Eccedentesiast
by For you I will.tlg
Summary: Ally was perfect, until one mistake changed her. She let herself slip away to almost nothing. She's nearing the end and honestly she knows she take anymore. She's lost everyone and everything. She's a killer. But what happens when she meets people who understand, can they safe her before it's to late.. Auslly
1. I Wasn't Always This Way

"_You don't need water to feel like you're drowning"_

I don't really know for sure how this all started. I guess it was all the times I've seen it on movies and on tumblr. I never thought it would be me.

A few months ago I was that girl. That girl all the other girls was jealous of, but befriended because it made them "popular". That girl that was top of her class, and cared more about her grades than herself. That girl that could get any boy she wanted. That girl that's fun to be around and loved.

Now I'm that girl sitting in the corner of my purple and blue bathroom staining the white tiles. I'm holding my new, and now only, friend in my right hand crying and shaking staring at it.

It's not the first time, but it still is hard to believe I came to this. Letting the sharp edge of the blade rip open my once flawless skin. Waisting a perfectly clean wrist. Staining my towels, cloths, and floor with the crimson liquid I've grew to love.

There's nothing more comforting now than after all the memories and thoughts and voices take over to black out and find my blade. To sit in the corner and preform my biggest secret. Watching the meltable thin lines on my arm leak out drops of blood.

Now like I said I wasn't always this way... and no I didn't just have a break up and get this way I did something horrible. It was my fault no matter what anyone said it's my fault. But after a few hours of crying is when I always think to what I would be doing now it I wasn't a waist of a person.

_We was at school, walking in one of those intimidating lines, almost in slow motion like we belonged in a movie. We probably could be, considering how loved Laura and I are. Laura is my big sister by a year. She's also my best friend. We also have Cassidy, Brooke and Kira, but deep down we knew they just wanted to attention, we were the only true friends we had. But that was okay, because we were loved and life was perfect. _

_I remember once we was walking in that mean girls line, and I saw my boyfriend, Dallas, kiss the head cheerleader, Kimmy. It broke my heart, but of course I took him back, I had to. He was the most popular boy, I was the most popular girl, we had to be together for the school. I remember I went home and cried for hours about how my life was over after seeing him cheat._

Thinking back now I'm disgusted with the bitch I was. I was a real life mean girl. I hate that back then I was so emotional that a stupid boy managed to get me to break. Now I don't let people in the only thing that breaks me is the memories, and the scares fading making me miss them, making me realize I'm addicted and it makes me horrible.

I know what I'm doing is stupid, but honestly I stopped caring about things a long time ago. I deserve what ever happens to me, I should have been the one that didn't make it, it's all my fault.

**I know it's short but it's just and intro it's very OOC, but trust me the story gets better I'll try to put up a longer chapter tonight as well (: Review **


	2. Overprotective Big Sister

"_With the weight of the world on her shoulders, she begins to forget how to breath"_

It was the end of the year party. My boyfriend, Dallas, threw it every year since 2nd grade. Only difference is that instead of in his basement listening to The Jonas Brothers and eating pizza, we know get drunk off our asses and dance like idiots by the lake. It was the end of our junior year, so this was the biggest party yet, the one celebrating us finally being on top.

I was standing around with my sister Laura slowly sipping at my first drink and slowly getting more and more pissed off at Dallas. You see last week I caught him cheating on me, but obviously I couldn't break up with him. We're the it couple of Miami High, if we end we crush God knows how many people, not to mention the hit it would take to our perfect reputation. Now I've been at his party for 2 hours and he hasn't even acknowledged my existence.

"I don't see why you put up with him." Laura tells me for the hundredth time this week.

"You know why. We've been together since freshmen year. I love him."

"You love him, or you love that people love you to?" I don't know how to answer to this. Honestly I don't think I really do love Dallas, I really do only love the attention we get, but how can I admit to that. "I mean come on Alls don't you thank it's time for Dally to end?" she said using our couple name.

I was about to agree with her, when Dallas finally makes an appearance. He's drunk out of his mind, and looks a mess. His normally clean and neat hair, looks like he just lost a fight to an over sized bird, he was missing a shirt, and had paint marks all over his tan skin. He wrapped me in a hug and I could have puked at the sent of pure alcohol, instead of his clean sent cologne I was use to. He kissed me sloppily and tasted just like you could squeeze him for a drink instead of going to the bar.

He pulled me away from my sister, who was giving me a disapproving look. I silently apologized to her and let Dallas drag me away. He drug me over to an abandoned part of the lake and we sat down looking at the water.

Now how in movies, this would be the moment where he would say the most romantic line ever about my beauty or something, but no you don't get romance when you're with Dallas. Instead of saying a word he pulls me in his lap and tries to eat my face. I kiss him back, knowing if I didn't it would just make this experience even less enjoyable.

Don't get me wrong I really do care about Dallas, I just don't think I care for him on Dally level anymore. Eventually into the kiss I feel him lifting up my sparkly, black tank top.

By habit I slap his hand away and push him off of me.

"Come on Ally, we've been together for forever when are you going to give it?" he slurs.

"When you aren't drunk, and you stop fucking every other girl in a mini skirt you see!" I yell at him. I was really sick of Dallas's ways.

"Maybe I wouldn't need them if my own girlfriend would pay me some attention."

"Dallas just drop it. You know I'm not going to sleep with you." I know that I'm one of the so called "mean girls" but I actually have standards. I know Dallas isn't the one, therefore I'm not giving him the one thing I can't get back. I want my first time to be with someone I love, with someone that loves me. Is that to much to ask?

After that I started to walk off, but I felt Dallas harshly grab my wrist and turn me around. I seen a look in his eyes I've never seen before that night. He had a look of hatred. It was evil, and it terrified me. Next thing I know he was slapping me forcing me to fall to the ground.

Then he was attacking my face with his lips again, ripping at my favorite shirt. It took me a while but I finally fought him off of me. I then pushed him into the lake and running as fast as I could before he could get out of the water.

The first person to find me is Laura. She grabs my shoulders and stops me. "Ally what's going on!"

"I pushed Dallas in the lake. He hit me, he was going to rape me!" I yell in tears.

"You still think he's such a great guy?" Sometimes I hated my big sister for her protectiveness.

"Please don't play the older sister card on me right now." I yell at her.

She smiles at me with her idea face and walks over to one of the many coolers set around the party and grabbed it.

"What are you doing?"

"My dear baby sister, we're getting out of here. We're having our own party." She said dragging me off. I laughed at her spontaneous idea. Laura always came up with these last minute things that always ended up being the funnest nights of my life, well what I remember of them since more than half the time they involve large amounts of alcohol.

We ended up somewhere in the middle of the woods dancing to All Time Low on my iPhone. We were way to drunk to even know our names, but in the moment I didn't care. I was forgetting about Dallas for a while and not caring about keeping up my perfect image. I was with the only real friend I have and it was amazing.

Eventually we end laying on the grass laughing at the stars. Neither of us really knew what was so funny, neither of us really care.

"Hey Alls?" She said in between giggles.

"Yeah La-La?" I answered using her childhood nickname.

She rolled over looking extremely serious. She had a knowing look in her eyes that scared me to death. You see Laura is very good at knowing what's going to happen, it's almost on psychic level.

"If you ever don't have me, know I love you sis. Know that all that you care about now it doesn't matter, and that there will be someone out there that loves you truly. That person isn't Dallas." She says. I hug her.

"Laura, you're my sister why would I not have you. You can't get rid of me easily you know that." I joke with her. She gives me a sad smile and flashes the knowing look at me again. At that moment I know not to joke. I just tell my sister I love her and hug her.

That conversation lingered in my head the rest of the night. It truly scared me. We fell asleep in the woods that night. I feel asleep to those words replaying in my head. I didn't know falling asleep they'd be the last words I'd hear her say.

When I woke up Laura wasn't beside me. I told myself she'd just went home early and was trying to scare me, but as I got up and started to walk home something in me knew she wouldn't be there.

**So it's a little bit longer xD I'll try to update again either tomorrow or saturday review ^^**


	3. A Few Miles From the Lake

**Sorry for the shortness of this chapter as the story goes on I promise the chapters will get longer (:**

When I walked home that next day I had convinced myself that Laura had just left me there to scare me. I just knew when I went home she'd be sitting on the couch, eating ice cream, and watching Awkward. I had already planed out my bitch fit I'd through for leaving me alone in the woods, but deep down I had a sick feeling that none of this was true.

It took me almost an hour to walk home, and by the time I reached the door I was ready to attack Laura. The moment I opened the door I yell "Laura Elizabeth Dawson get your butt down here right now!"

My mum came around the corner smiling at me, "How was the party?"

"Horrible, I had a fight with Dallas. Where's Laura?"

"She never came home.. isn't she with you?" my mom asked getting worried.

"N-no, we fell asleep, and I woke up she was gone I figured she left me there that she was trying to scare me."

"I'm sure she'll be home any minute now" my mom said obviously unsure of her self.

The rest of that day I distracted myself by scrolling through tumblr and fighting with Dallas.

I couldn't help but notice tumblr is a very mentally unstable place, I mean really what could bring a person to hurt themselves.

My fight with Dallas ended with me taking him back as I always do, even though I don't love him, I can't get away.

About 11 that night I finally heard a sound I've waited for all day, someone knocking on the door.

I ran down the stairs yelling Laura's name with so much hope that she was on the other side.

My mom opened the door to a police officer.

"Are you the family of Laura Dawson?"

"Ye-yes" my mom's voice cracked.

"I'm sorry to say but your daughter was found a few miles from the lake, she's dead."

At that moment I fell to the ground crying. My mom let the sorrow filled cop into our house.

"Are you sure?" My mom managed to get out?

"She lost a lot of blood from a cut on her throat, we found her to late. I'm sorry Mrs. Dawson."

At this moment my 15 year old brother Dez comes down the stairs and sits beside me on the floor.

"Ally what's going on?" he whispered.

"Laura's dead... and it's my fault!" I yelled before running up to my room and locking the door to cry for the rest of the night.

_**Once again I'm sorry it's so short I promise it'll get longer soon (: **_

**LoveShipper- Well now you know where Laura went to.. and thanks I thought if I had to make up a sister name for her why not her actual name (: and you'll find out soon what brings her to her break down.**

**Queenc1- Thanks (: I'll try to have chapter 4 up tonight aswell **


	4. Parting Glass

"_Fear is the path to Darkness- fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."_

I spent the next week trying to pretend Laura wasn't gone. It's to the point my family thinks I don't know she's dead, and my mom is worried about it.

"Ally, if you want we can go to counseling." my mom suggested.

"Yeah sweeting all of us, you mom, me and even Dez." my dad added.

"I'm fine." I would say with no emotion and walk up to my room.

Today I knew I couldn't forget it any longer. It was her funeral. I stood in my full length mirror thinking of how today would play out. I knew we'd take turns speaking, my friends and family would all hug on me and I knew I'd probably cry. I knew I was playing a song for her after my speech, I knew I would probably sit at the grave hours latter crying like a baby.

I took one last look at myself before sadly making my way to the stairs. My ombre hair was down in pretty curls, the way Laura had taught me to do when I was younger, I wore a short black dress with black lace, short sleeves, and matching black heels. My make up was dark and I knew by the end of the day I would be ever so grateful to water proof makeup.

I sigh and walk out to my waiting family in the car. My brother Dez, the baby of the family, even though he was almost 16 I still considered him my baby brother. He was taking her death the hardest. Of course non of use was taking it all so well, loosing a girl to murder at 18 never leaves many people happy. On the bright side they found the murderer, he was some old man with schizophrenia, he's now in the prisons mental ward.

At the funeral I sit beside my mother and brother. My dad was holding my sobbing mom, and I held Dez's hand in an attempt to comfort him. I looked at the front of the tent and seen the open brown coffin.

She looked so peaceful, like she was just asleep. It almost puts me at peace that this is my last image of her, her looking peaceful, beautiful, not how horrible she looked when I had to help my mom identify her body.

For the first time in my life I wonder what it's like. What it's like to be dead, to lay there not a care in the world, not a worry, just to lay there in peace. I quickly shake the thought from my mind when I hear he priest clear his throat.

"We are gathered hear today to celebrate the much to short life of Laura Marie Dawson. Though her life was ended much earlier than it should have we know that she is now home and watching over all of us. It's a tragedy when a loved one is lost, especially in such horrid events, but it brings a family together in the time of need. Now we're going to hear a few words from the family of Laura." the priest said walking away from the body to sit beside Dez. He lied, since Laura left my family hasn't been closer at at all, we actually have hardly even spoke to each other, or anyone for the matter.

My dad took the alter first. "Laura, she was my first born, my Laur-Laur. I from the moment I first held her, always swore I'd protect her with my life. I always thought that would mean protecting her from teenage boys and mean girls at school, I never thought that I would be here in front of her body knowing I failed to protect my little princess. It's tragedies like these that make you regret times you didn't hug your children. I remember when I had to work late she would come in as a little girl and want me to play dress up with her, or read her and Alice(aka Ally to many people use Allyson so ^^) a bedtime story and I always said I was to busy. I regret that with ever ounce of my being now. So all the parents here today, hug your children daily, protect them, talk to them, never miss a chance to say I love you. I always thought something like this would never happen to me, but it can happen to anyone. You never really know how short life is til you see one ended." he turns around and places a red rose on Laura's lifeless body, he whips a tear away and walks back to his seat.

My mom took a deep breath and walked up to the alter for her turn. "Thanks all of you who came today to celebrate my beautiful daughter's short life. Laura, she was a unique life force. She, much like her little sister Ally, had the ability to light up the room with just a smile. Laura was my first born, and I never thought I'd see the day I would have to bury one of my children. I know Laura will be greatly missed. I'll never forget all the times she came running to me for opinions on what to wear on dates, or getting her ready for her senior prom months ago. All the laughs and mother daughter moments we share, they'll forever remain in my heart." my mother, just as my dad had, sadly turned around and laid her rose on her body, whipped a tear and walked back to her seat.

Dez went next, he was crying from the beginning. "She was my big sister, living with her was like a war. She was so hard to get along with at times, and we fought daily, but there was never a doubt we loved each other. She was my sister, and I had an instinct as her brother to protect her, and I failed to. I regret every harsh word said no, I regret that before she left that night we had gotten in another stupid fight. I'd been waiting on the bathroom for an hour for her and Ally to finish getting ready, and it was almost like world war 3, but I regret so much that harsh words were my last to her. I love you Laura, I hope that up in heaven she knows that I never meant anything bad I've said about her. She didn't deserve this." he said crying as he placed his rose on my sister's body.

I'm shaking as I walk up to my spot at the alter. "I was with her that night. I'd just gotten in a fight with my boyfriend, and she took me off to our spot in the woods to hang out and we fell asleep. I woke up alone and figured she'd went home without me to scare me, it wasn't the first time she'd done that. I went home and she wasn't there and as time passed I was almost sick with worry. I still have the police officers words on replay in my head as he tells me she was killed. Laura was my best friend, she was the only one I trusted enough to let know the real me and now I've not only lost my sister but my best friend, and I'll forever miss her." I picked up the guitar on the stand beside the alter. "I wrote this for Laura after I found out the news, I love you big sis, I miss you. This never should have happened." I said before whipping one last tear and then started playing the first few chords of my song.

**Of all the money that e'er I had **

**I've spent it in good company  
And all the harm that e'er I've done  
Alas it was to none but me  
And all I've done for want of wit  
To memory now I can't recall  
So fill to me the parting glass  
Good night and joy be with you all**

****

Of all the comrades that e'er I had  
They are sorry for my going away  
And all the sweethearts that e'er I had  
They would wish me one more day to stay  
But since it falls unto my lord  
That I should rise and you should not  
I'll gently rise and I'll softly call  
Good night and joy be with you all

A man may drink and not be drunk  
A man may fight and not be slain  
A man may court a pretty girl  
And perhaps be welcomed back again  
But since it has so ordered been  
By a time to rise and a time to fall  
Come fill to me the parting glass  
Goodnight and joy be with you all

Bye the end of the song most of the room was in tears. I took my seat by my brother and mother again and waited for the priest to say his last words.

"Let us pray." said the priest before beginning a prayer I couldn't even hear over my own tears.

After he was finished the coffin started to lower and as if on cue it started pouring down rain. I ran to the coffin and fell to my knees in front of it. I yelled at it to bring her back that this can't be happening.

My loved ones let me break down for quite a while before I felt my aunts hand on my shoulder. I stood up and hugged her.

"Margret it's good to see you." I said whipping tears away as I greeted my favorite aunt.

"Ally how are you holding up?"

"I've been better" I said trying to smile.

"I know how it must be for you. How guilty you must feel."

"What?"

"You were there that night weren't you? Don't you feel guilty you didn't wake up and stop it, that it wasn't you instead of her?" she asked.

I looked down suddenly realizing this was all my fault. At that moment I felt every part of me lock down, I felt an unbearable pain slowly slip into an even less bearable numbness. I felt self hatred rise in me. I realize how much my fault this all was. "I never really thought of it that way." I managed to whisper.

Margret hugged me, "It wasn't Ally, it was her time there was no stopping it." she said before stroking hair out of my face and walking away.

It's been three days since the funeral, and my aunts words still play through my head. I knew it was my fault, and I hated myself for it. I think that's what brought me to this. I grabbed my nail scissors from the medication cabinet I once shared with the innocent girl I helped murder. I ran the sharp, cold edge over my flawless, olive skin. The first time I remember was just three thin little marks, they barley even bled. They were just cat scratches. I remember whispering on the third scratch before I broke down and cried that that was the last time... I didn't know then the addiction I'd gotten myself into.

_**Please review (: oh and to make yall a little happier after this pretty much all round depressing chapter Austin is in this story and he'll be making an appearance very very soon (: **_

ReAdErSfEvEr: Well that question was answered in this chapter (: No I didn't want to make Dallas the killer for a very important reason you'll find out soon (: Thanks for the review (ps your username is really fun to type :D)

Guest: Thanks :D

queenc1: I love your reviews you never fail to review anything I update and I thank you for that you always inspire me to update (:


	5. Clear and Pure

"_Confusion in her eyes she's lost control and she's clinging to the nearest passer by she's lost control."_

To everyone who said: "With time the pain fades, it goes unnoticed, and you're yourself again." you are all liars! It was about 3 weeks after I helped kill my sister, and I only got worse. No one, not even my family, even bothered to notice.

My brother, he goes around acting as if it never happened, my mother she's to emotionless to be around, and my father pretty much lives in the office now. My friends, I'd came to realize only want me for popularity, not one of them have yet to ask how I'm doing since Laura died. And Dallas, he just tries to take advantage of my down state.

The scratching, has stayed just that, scratching. I have yet to barley even shed blood.

I've changed so much in the past 3 weeks it scares me. With the pain I tried to undergo a makeover to make myself feel better, the way it did when I was down before. All it did was remind me of how Laura gave much better makeovers, and how no one even has noticed that my appearance has changed.

I've ditched my dresses and colorful clothing for skinny jeans and t-shirts, I've died out my ombre for a much darker brown, the bottoms now a pastel blue (I've always wanted to do this to my hair and my mum won't let me so it's going to be Ally's hair xD) and my bangs are in a very deep fringe. Ive stopped listening to music on the top 40, for music I can't believe I went so long without. I always would tease Laura for her "hipster" style music, but honestly her undiscovered music is the best stuff I've ever listened to. It actually has meaning.

I didn't realize how much my personality had changed thought. That is until the day my friends finally decided to point out I wasn't the same person.

Cassidy. Brooke, Kira, and I sat at one of the tables on the popular stage. They were engaged in some, what I can only describe as, sinister gossip. I felt an unbearable pain in my chest when I realized just weeks ago I would have been the worst one of the 4 trashing the unknowing, but lately I've found myself just trying to block them out and play with my uneaten lunch.

"Okay Ally, what gives?" Cassidy finally asks me.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" I asked looking up, knowing very well they want to know why I'm not trashing people with them.

"Why aren't you talking? You haven't spoken in weeks!"

"My sister just died! I'm sorry if I'm not up for making up cruel lies about people we don't even know!" I yell, tired of hearing them talk about how "Kimmy has ever STD known to man, because she's done all of them." it was sickening.

"Ally, she's dead it's been a month get over it." Kira said flipping her hair.

"Yeah you're so different know, and how you're dressed, it's so just not you." Brooke added.

"How would you know." I mumbled not loud enough for any of them to hear.

"Really Ally this depression has got to go it's taking away from my good vibes. You've really changed. You really are starting to not fit anymore Allyson." Cassidy finished.

Are these really my friends? Is this really how I thought I needed to pretend to be? I really let myself turn into this? All these questions ran through my mind as I grabbed my bag feeling tears beating at my eyes, they pointed out to everyone that I changed, they practically told me I wasn't good enough. I knew it was true, I killed my own damn sister, obviously I wasn't good enough for friends, but to hear others say it hurts.

"Sorry." I whispered before walking out of the cafeteria.

I spent the first week trying to fake that I was okay, that I was happy, but the pain I felt then was so unbearable I couldn't do it anymore. I thought I had managed my change well, I thought my new cloths were actually cutter than the frilly style I had, more mature and less "I'm a preppy bitch." but I guess they shouldn't think that considering the four of us was the definition of real life Mean Girls. I tried to hide just how sad I was by not talking much, which made me realize just how horrible our personalities are, considering in 3 weeks I've yet to sit through a nice conversation. I was pretty proud of how I've only scratched about 3 times since her death: the day of her funeral, the day I couldn't handle being fake any longer, and the day I noticed how far away my family was mentally. I had a feeling today would be the forth.

I walked through the school that day slowly letting the tears stream out. I walked to a hallway that was always like a ghost town, because I knew I could do my habit without being caught, but instead I seen something that added to my amazing day.

"Da-Dallas?" I asked the boy making out with the cheerleader pushed against the wall. The couple jumped apart at the sound of my voice reviling that he was indeed my boyfriend.

"Ally... um hey babe." he said walking over and kissing my cheek.

"Are you really going to pretend that didn't just happen?"

"Ally come on you haven't let me even touch you in 3 weeks you've changed. She was just a little stress reliever it meant nothing." he said as if it was not big deal that he just cheated on me, because I was grieving.

"I'll talk to you latter Dallas." I said coldly before leaving him to probably sleep with the cheerleader. As I got a distance away I started running. I ran all the way back home, luckily no one was home.

I ran up to my room and cried probably enough to drown a small child. My head was rushing to much to even comprehend a thought and the pain in my chest was physically unbearable. The next thing I remember was blacking out and heading for my bathroom. I finally came to when it was to late.

I held the silver blade, stained in wet red blood in my shaking, right hand. It was the first thing I seen when I came back to earth. I dropped it like it was on fire, then looked at my left arm. The arm you almost couldn't see due to the amount of red pouring from it. Normally the site would have made my ill, but I couldn't help but notice how it subsided the pain, how it cleared my head, how it was making me feel alive again. I sat there for a moment laying my head back on the cold bathtub, before finally stopping shaking enough to get up and wash the blood off in the sink. The cold water stung as it ran over the fresh cuts, and I found myself mesmerized by how the clear, pure water turned violently red and washed away to never be seen again. After I finished washing my arm I noticed that there was only 5 cuts. 5 cuts caused so much relief. 5 not even deep cuts, caused enough blood to hypnotize me, enough pain to make me feel alive. I ran my hand over the still slightly bleeding wounds and smiled. I felt human and I loved it. I wrapped a white bandage from the first aid kit around my arm and curled up in my bed.

For the first time in 3 weeks that night I didn't cry myself to sleep. I concentrated on the sting in my arm and drifted to sleep watching the white bandage develop tiny red dots.

**I know it's short and possibly a little graphic, but I did say it has a strong theme... on and I swear this is and AUSTIN and Ally story (meaning Austin is in this story just give it some time). Review.**


	6. The Truth in a Hoodie

"_I'll forget the world that I knew but I swear I won't forget you."_

Sometimes I'm jealous of Laura. She's in peace, doesn't have to deal with the world, doesn't have to feel the pain, all she gets to do is lay there in quiet. Over the past few weeks I've died, not physically obviously, but emotionally. I haven't even noticed how much time has passed until I looked at the date my teacher wrote on the board.

I didn't notice how fast time was passing until 3 months. She's been gone 3 months, yet it still feels like yesterday I had to help identify her body. Over the past 3 months I've did more sitting back and watching my "friends", only thing I've been able to get is the lingering question was I as big of a bitch as they are?

My relationship with Dallas is barely a relationship. Not once since Laura's death has he asked how I'm doing, or checked on any member of my family. All he does is come over, make out with me for about an hour, then when I want have sex with him he gets mad and leaves. This is what the most loved relationship in our school is. Pointless and full of hatred.

I thought it'd always be this way, watching life pass, emotionless making out, fighting, crying, cutting, sleeping, repeat. That is until the day Kira, Brooke, and Cassidy decide to kick me out for good.

It was September in Miami, and of course it was unbearably hot. My "friends" sat with me in their extremely revealing cheerleading uniforms, that 4 months ago I to would have been wearing, but now I sit in the heat in red skinny jeans and a black hoodie. It's the wardrobe I've had for months, ever since bracelets stopped hiding my scaring secret.

They didn't notice the change until today though, the day they found out I really had quit cheering. "Ally why aren't you in uniform?" Kira asked.

"You guys know I quit." I said looking at the ground, knowing something was up since they'd known for a while now I've quit.

"Really Ally. It's been 3 months stop being such an emo little bitch and cheer up." Cassidy said laughing.

"She was my sister! Yall may not care anymore, but I won't just get over it easily, I was there. I can't just be happy." I finished already feeling tears stinging my eyes and my wrist itching for alone time.

"Whatever Ally, just come back to the squad." Brooke said placing her hand on my arm. Not just on my arm, on the newest scratch. As soon as I saw her hand coming I had already flinched in fear of her feeling the cuts, but as her hand touched the mark and I yelped in pain I knew my secret was out.

"Woah Ally what's your deal?" she asked quickly pulling her hand away.

I just looked at the ground in response and mumbled something about a sunburn.

"You're lying you really are just an emo little bitch now aren't you? You haven't wore anything but stupid hoodies in months you don't have a sunburn" Cassidy pointed out laughing as if she just won the lottery.

"You're such a looser now Ally, really why don't you just go on and join Laura, just go ahead and kill yourself. The world doesn't need another attention seeking emo." Kira said as the other laughed. With that they flipped their hair and left me standing there.

I can't believe people who were suppose to be my friends told me that. I can't believe that instead of trying to seek help, or the truth they tell me to die.

I walk home crying thinking that day couldn't have gotten any worse, but as I open the door to my room I'm proven wrong.

I walk in to see Dallas sitting on my bead smiling at me.

"Hey Als." he greets.

"Hey." I manage to get out. The douche hasn't even noticed I'm crying.

He just walks up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist and starts kissing my neck. It makes my skin crawl, and not in a good way. I try to wiggle away from him only to have him violently push me into a door.

"I get it Ally, you're upset or whatever but that doesn't give you an excuse to be a bad girlfriend."

"Bad girlfriend? Dallas my sister died and you didn't ask how I was once, you just cheated on me countless times, and I'm the bad girlfriend coz I won't have sex with you? You know what Dallas we're over."

"Look at how long we've been together Ally, can you blame me! And no you can't just break up with me"

"Yes I can, and I just did. And as for the sex thing I'm not ready Dallas!" That wasn't the real reason, there was the guy back in about 6th grade I met at a camp, he was my first love. He was my first kiss. I wanted him to be the first, even though I knew it wouldn't happen, he's from California and I'll more than likely never see him again.

"You should be! And we are not over Allyson" he yelled before he started kissing me. I tried to get away from me but he just threw me to my mattress in a violent manor. He pinned me down and that's when I realized what he was doing. He was going to rape me.

Now I knew Dallas wasn't the best person in the world, but I never expected this of him, but honestly I didn't care anymore. Like I'd said I'm more dead than alive.

He eventually ripped the black hoodie off, and I closed my eyes expecting the next horrible thing to happen but instead he rolled off of me and through me the hoodie in disgust.

"What the fuck Ally, since when were you a freak!" he yells gesturing towards my arms.

"Freak! You're calling me a freak, I'm you're girlfriend shouldn't you be a little more concerned."

"No Ally, you're right we need to break up." he said standing up.

"What?"

"I can't be with an attention seeking emo. Why do you even bother Ally, you're a waste of life now." he said before leaving.

After that day I didn't speak to anyone. I just drifted through life.

That was a week ago, and that is still a day that is leading me to where are now. In the bathroom floor watching the floor turn red as I go deeper each time.

I honestly don't know why I haven't ended it yet, no one would even notice, but something in me tells me to hold on just a little longer. And that feeling keeps me from going to deep each time.

**So here's you're next chapter (: I'ma try to update as much as I can in the next few days because I have to give my computer back to the school friday and i'm not sure when my home laptop will be fixed but 3 reviews for the next chapter (which Ausitn is finally in (:) **


	7. First Love and Flinches

"_She opened her life and found relief through His eyes and put down she put down her knife"_

A month has passed since that day. The day everyone found out my secret. Now I'm the school nobody, good as dead. I'm pretty much invisible. The first week or so every teased me over being "emo" because obviously Dallas, Cass, Kira, and Brooke didn't keep it a secret. Now most people tend to just pretend I'm not there. Literally treat me like I'm dead, and I'm fine with that.

I've grown use to people acting like I'm not there, that I don't exist that's why Monday November 3 was a day I didn't expect. I sat blacked out in my last class when suddenly I felt someone staring at me. The feeling left butterflies in my stomach. I looked to the side and noticed that indeed someone was staring at me.

I looked in the desk beside me and met a gorgeous pair of golden eyes. They were beautiful and filled with confusion. I took time and noticed his eyes weren't the only gorgeous thing about him. He had perfectly messy blonde hair, and smooth tan skin. His face was set in a confused thoughtful expression. He wore a red v-neck with a blue and red plaid over shirt and ripped dark wash jeans. He looked perfect. He looked gorgeous. He looked so familiar.

I knew the boy from somewhere I knew it, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Soon enough the bell rang and everyone began packing up. He was behind me as we began to walk out, but was stopped by the spanish teacher calling my name.

"Ms. Dawson you left your bag." said Mrs. Gonzolas pointing to my desk with the small cross body bag hanging on the seat. The boy froze when the teacher said my name and watched me walk towards the bag.

"Dawson." he whispered as if he just found a cure for cancer. "Dawson as in Ally Dawson?" he asked smiling at me.

"Y-yes?" I stuttered not use to people speaking nicely to me anymore, especially gorgeous ones like this one.

He walked up and engulfed me in a huge hug "Ally I've missed you so much."

At first I didn't who it was. I locked up from the stranger touching me, but then I smelt it. The familiar smell of summer I'd missed so much over the past 6 years. "Austin? Austin Moon!" I smiled and hugged him back "It's been to long. What are you doing here?" I asked surprised by how easily I was talking to someone.

"My parents opened one of their mattress stores here, and want to make it the headquarters. So we had to move down here and here I am in Miami. I'd completely forgot you lived here. Oh my God Ally I've missed you so much!"

"I've missed you too." I said as we finally moved out of our hug and started walking out of the classroom.

"So what have you been up to, how's Laura?" Austin was my first love from camp, he was Laura and my best friend the summer after 6th grade.

"La-Laura's um not well." I said looking down.

"I'm sorry is she sick?"

"She's dead." I barely whispered.

"What I'm so sorry Ally!" he said hugging me because I was now crying.

"It's fine it was about 5 months ago." I said crying in his chest.

"Well Ally I really have to get home to help my mom unpack, but maybe I could come by latter and we can catch up I'm so sorry about your lose I know she was your best friend. Does your dad still own Sonic Boom?"

"Yeah he does, I'll be there for a while today, I'll see you later Austin." I said faking my best smile before walking off.

I walked to my car and carefully took off my hoodie before starting my car. I backed out and turned my radio up and playing my Ed Sheeran CD. For the first time in months I was in a great mood, and I knew it was because of Austin.

Finally I have a friend, and that friend is him. I was in a great mood until I looked down at the wheel and seen my arms. I seen all the angry red marks and bandaged knew scars. That's when it hit me, I couldn't get close to him, I couldn't have him find out. I couldn't have another person leave me, and I knew Austin wouldn't want to deal with me.

I sat in my music room in the Sonic Boom of hours thinking of Austin, and what to do when he spoke to me again. My thoughts were interrupted by a rhythmic knock on the door and someone saying "Ally are you in here." as they opened the door, that someone was Austin.

"You came." I said quietly trying to hide I was just crying.

"Of course I did." he smiled before noticing my red, puffy, wet face. He sat down beside me on the couch and hugged me. "What's wrong Als, you know I hate seeing you hurt."

"Austin don't pretend to care about me. You know you don't honestly still care it's been 6 years."

"Ally you're joking right, after that summer, I could never not care about you. You were my first love, first kiss, I'll always be your friend Als."

"You'll leave soon enough everyone does." I say looking down.

He grabbed my wrist and I flinched, and tried to hide it, I noticed the realization come to his eyes, instead of running and telling me off as others had he wrapped me in a tight hug and said "I'll never leave."

That's the moment I fell back in love with my first love. I feel back in love with Austin, and I hated myself even more for it. I was going to hurt him I knew it I hurt everyone these days. I was a lost case and he was going to leave the day he realizes he can't fix me and that broke my heart but I couldn't bring myself to push him away right now. Because for the first time since that party I felt safe. Safe in Austin Moon's arms.

**So Austin's back :DDD and I'm about to go on summer which means no computer so if anyone knows how to update from my phone please tell me in a review or PM because I don't want to stop writing til August. Please review (: 4 reviews for another update today :DDD **


	8. Flashbacks and I Love You

He pulled out of the hug at what seemed like hours latter and looked into my eyes.

"Oh Ally, please let me help you." He said as he grabbed my wrist and I quickly jerked it away.

"What makes you think I need your help!"

"Your eyes Alls. They have the same look in them that my sister had. I watched that look come into my sister's eyes, watched her slip for months. I was to late to help her, she killed herself a few years ago. I'll be damned if I ever let that happen to you. I can't handle to see another girl in my life leave from something I could safe them from."

"Austin you can't safe me, I'm to far gone, but I promise I'd never kill myself." I laughed at the thought of ever being able to go through with it.

"She said the same thing Ally, and please let me at least try to help you. Let me be there for you." he begged. I nodded deciding it'd be nice to have a friend.

He smiled at me and slowly reached for my wrist again. I squirmed watching him roll up my sleeve and staring at the marks. I figured like everyone else he'd run, but instead he lowered his face to my arm and kissed every mark, then smiled at me. "It's gong to be okay Ally." and for a moment I believed him.

As the week passed Austin never left my side, and even though I knew deep down he wouldn't leave that little voice in my head didn't trust his actions. How close he was and how comfortable he was with my scars made me nerves. One day I couldn't take it anymore.

"Austin why! Why are you still here just so you can make it hurt even more when you leave me!"

"Ally what are you talking about? I've told you countless times I'm never going to leave you." He said coming over to hug me, but I pushed him into the wall in my room. "What the hell Alls."

"Don't call me that, you don't care about me! I'm just your charity case coz you'd feel bad if I ever did die from this, you really don't give a shit about me! Just leave Austin leave now safe us both the heart ache." I said now crying.

"Ally how stupid can you be! I'm not doing this coz I feel like I have to, I want to. Believe me if I wanted to leave I would, coz you are sure as hell a bigger handfull than I wanted to deal with my senior year but I'm doing it coz I-" he stopped himself looking down.

"You what!"

"I got to go." he turned and walked out of my room, but something caused me to chase him all the way to my driveway.

"What happened to I'll never leave?" I asked him crying.

"What happened to you wanting me to?" he smiled.

"Like you said I'm hard to deal with. I got scared Austin, please don't leave you're the only person I have." I cry throwing myself into his chest, and he wrapped me in one of his safe hugs.

"I'm here Ally, I won't leave you ever."

"What were you going to really say back there Aust?" I asked looking at him.

"I- I don't think it's a good time to tell you."

I pushed him away again. "What you don't think I can handle it. Austin I may not be in the best mental health, but I can handle whatever you have to tell me. I mean just say it you feel bad for me."

"What no Ally that's not it. How could you think I'm only in this for pitty."

"It's obvious."

"You're so oblivious. Ally dammit can't you see that I'm in love with you!" he yelled at me before running his hands through his hair in frustration.

"You're what?"

"I know this sounds like a looser creeper or something, but I meant what I said when I said I want you to be my first everything all those years ago. I meant what I said when I said I'd always love you. I never stopped loving you."

"And you think I didn't?"

"I know you dated Dallas Ally."

"So? I never slept with him, I never loved him, it's always been you Austin. You've always been in the back of my mind, I never got over you either."

"Really?" he asked smiling.

"Really." I smiled back. What happened next happened so fast I almost didn't see it coming. He ran over and grabbed my face and passionately crushed his lips into mine. After I moment of realizing what was going on I kissed him back. It brought back all the memories of camp: him singing to me the night he asked me out, our very first kiss, all the way up to our last. The kiss I felt so much in that one kiss than I did in all mine with Dallas combined.

To soon we pulled away to breath and smiled at each other. "Wow, that was better than our first kiss." he said chuckling.

"I didn't think it was possible for a kiss to be better." I smiled back.

"So will you do the honor of being my girlfriend?" he smiled.

"I'd love to." I said kissing his cheek

"So will you tell me your story now? What brought you to this point?"

"I-"

"If you're not ready to talk you don't have to I've just been wondering. You were always so confident in yourself, I never thought you'd battle depression."

"I want you to know." I whispered and led him to the swing in my yard.

"It started at Laura's funeral, when my aunt told me not to blame myself for her death. After that it made me think it's my fault she's dead. I mean she was murdered as I'm sure you figured out. It was the night of Dallas's annual party, and I had a fight with him and as we normally do when Dallas was a douche, Laura and I stole a few drinks and had our own party in the woods. We must have drank to much because we ended up sleeping in the woods that night. I woke up that morning and Laura wasn't there, so I figured she went home and wanted to scare me, but when I got home she wasn't there. Once he turned night I was really worried, and that's when the police came and said they found a body and think it's my sister's. I had to help my mom identify her. I was there Austin, I didn't wake up when she was killed, he didn't take me, he just took her, and I didn't even notice." I said crying in his chest.

"Ally it's not your fault you don't know what happened. I seen his interview, she had wondered away from you, where he said he found her wasn't even in the woods."

"What?"

"Didn't you read the interview?"

"No I didn't' think I could handle it."

"She had wondered around and he found her stumbling around the old railroad. He's a schizophrenic he had an attack and it just happened. He even turned himself in. So in no way could you have stopped it, she was miles away." he said rubbing my back.

"I should have noticed her leave. Anyways my family started to drift, and I caught Dallas cheating on me, and that's when I started I guess you could say scratching. I realized how horrible my friends are and that I use to be the worst one, and that that wasn't even me. So that's when it got at what I expected to be the worse, but then my friends found out and told me off and told me to kill myself, and I went home to find Dallas. He tried to ra-rape me but he stopped when he seen the cuts. He pretty much said the same thing as the girls." I said looking down.

"I'l kill him." Austin said through grinnted teeth.

"No Austin it was a long time ago he's left me alone since. They just told the school and now you're pretty much the only one who speaks to me. I'm just thankful Dez goes to his honors school or whatever, I'd die if he found out."

"Ally it's cruel what they did to you, they obviously aren't true friends. I hope you know I'd never do anything to hurt you."

"I know Austin, I just hate that I know how I am hurts you, and I know I won't get better."

"How do you know?"

"Who gets better from it?"

He looked as though he was struggling to say something then quickly changed his mind "I suffered from depression for years Ally."

"What? You seem so happy, what happened?"

"About 3 years ago when my sister, Megan, died I never forgave myself for not helping her. I noticed all the bladeless pencil sharpeners, all the bloody towels. I knew what was going on I just refused to accept it. I always thought that if I had got her help she wouldn't have did it, so I blamed myself. Long story short here I am, but I realized she was to far gone, there was no helping her. She was bipolar, and constantly teased for her outburst, and once she was rapped, and we didn't even know til we found her note. She even told me in the note it wasn't my fault. It took years in therapy for me to accept I couldn't help her. But you, you're not as far gone, I know for a fact I can still bring you back. I can tell when we're together you slowly become yourself again."

"Austin I had no idea, I'm so sorry." I said hugging him.

"Don't apologize, I've been better for a year now." he smiled and kissed me.

"Thank you Austin for everything. I really do love you."

"Ally, I think it's time I introduce you to Trish." he said smiling.

"Who's Trish?"

"My step sister. My dad remarried her mom about 2 years ago, and I just know yall will be great friends. She's very unique just like you. Plus she's in recovery as well. I know she will be a lot of help as well."

"I'd love to meet her." I said as he grabbed my hand and led me to his car.

When we pulled up to his house I didn't expect to be greeted by a short latino girl running out to the driveway "Is this her? You're finally letting me meet her?" she asked excitedly to Austin.

"Yes Trish, this is Ally."

"Ally you have no idea how much I've heard of you the past few years, especially since he's found you again." She said and then noticed our intwined fingers. "Wait does this mean he finally told you how he feels." she squealed and we both nodded.

"I'm sorry Ally she takes some getting use to."

"No I think you're right she's going to be a great friend." I smiled at her causing her to hug me.


	9. Run For Your Life

**I'm back :DD After a very long wait here's the next chapter of Eccedentesiast **

One month, 30 days, that's how long it took Austin Moon to preform a miracle on my life. The short period of time I've had the privilege to call him my love, he's removed any thought of the blades I use to obsess over from my mind. Yes you heard correctly I've stopped cutting since the day I found out how much it hurt Austin.

**Flashback **

_I could faintly hear his screams from the other side of my bathroom door, begging me to let him in. It killed me hearing the distress he was in, that I was causing but I couldn't bring myself to come back to reality and open the door. I sat on the cold floor in a pool of blood, drowning in tears. Not even truly hearing the worried blonde a few feet away._

_Today the school held a memorial concert for Laura, and pretty much forced me to give a speech. As soon as I walked on the stage I heard Cassidy yell something about "emo freaks" and that my sister deserved it. They was saying she was a lot of bad words, and her killer should have went for both of us. I ran from the school already knowing either Trish or Austin would follow, and by the sound of it both did._

_I ran all the way home, blindly crying. I ran into my house leaving the door open, knowing Austin was right behind me, and quickly locked myself in my bathroom. Outside the door Austin was nicely trying to convince me to open the door._

_"Ally, please love, let me in. It's okay you don't need to do this." he said in a caring voice. _

_But right behind him Trish yelled._

_"Alice Margaret Dawson, I will and you know I have the ability to do so, break this door down if you don't let me in that damn bathroom right now!" _

_"Go away!" I yell at the door. I heard Austin hit his head against the door. That's when it hit me how much I was hurting him, that's when I overheard his pain._

_I faintly heard the sound of someone sliding down the door and loudly landing on the floor. _

_"Austin please you can't cry, when she comes out she can't see how this affects you." Trish whispered trying to keep me from hearing, but obviously failing. _

_"Trish I'm terrified, you know how hard it is to quit, and it's killing me seeing her do it. I mean I feel like I'm watching Megan die every time she relapses, right before my eyes I'm seeing her laying in a pool of blood, and I'd be to late. Not to mention I've only been recovered a few months, it's driving me crazy watching her doing this, knowing I can't relapse or it'd make her worse!" he whispered yelled._

_"You're not thinking of getting back on the drugs again are you! You know how that effected mom."_

_"I haven't done anything yet Trish, but seeing her slip knowing I can't do anything about it it's killing me." I then heard Austin cry. With that I got up and opened the door and seen Trish hugging a crying Austin._

_He instantly jumped up and looked at me, then paled at the puddle of blood in the floor. _

_"Austin look at me." I said grabbing his face, and whipping the tears off his swollen cheeks. "I love you and I'm sorry I had no idea it was affecting you so much, and I swear I'll try my hardest to keep this the last time."_

_He smiled at me and kissed me "Thank you Ally, I love you so much." he said before engulfing me in a huge hug and grabbing my wrist and placing soft kisses on each new mark._

Like I said that was a month ago, and I've kept my promise. Austin's helped me learn to, when I feel the urge to cut, distract myself. So now when I feel upset I work on music. Austin and I have even written a song I'd been performing at the makeup concert today, since the last one ended with the main person (me) running away.

They promised that anyone who even spoke would be escorted out.

But as I walked into the auditorium my stage fright took over.

"Austin I can't do it."

"Ally, I swear they won't say anything this time, and if they do they'll have to deal with me."

"Austin, I have horrible stage fright and considering most of the school hates me I can't do it."

"Everyone knows you're getting better Ally, look you're even wearing short sleeves again." he said gesturing towards my short sleeve, red top.

"Please Austin you know the song as well as me. Sing it for me?"

I could tell he was thinking about it "Fine I'll do it, but only because I love you so much" he smiled kissing me.

"Thank you Austin!" I jumped into his arms before he walked onto the stage.

"Good morning high schoolers of Miami." he smiles into the student body. "Now I met Laura about 6 years ago at a summer camp, and she was like my big sister that summer. She set me up back then with the love of my life, Ally, and I was lucky enough to be reunited with her. It kills me knowing I won't see a friend I still hold close to my heart again, but this song, written by the beautiful Ally Dawson, is for her." I cried at his speech and gave him a small smile and thumbs up to continue.

**Seventeen years by her side **

**Broke the same bread**

**Wore the same clothes and we said**

**We're sisters with nothing between**

**If one of us fall**

**The other will soon be following **

**Both of you fell the same day**

**You don't know why**

**One of you never woke up**

**And you laid your body down on the floor **

**You're desperate to hear her footsteps again**

**But this house is on fire, we need to go**

**Oh, you don't have to go it alone, go it alone**

**Run for your life, my love**

**Run and you don't give up**

**It's all that you are**

**All that you want **

**I will be close behind**

**Run for your life**

**She had a fire inside **

**An that terrified you**

**You swore that you'd never lose your control**

**Baby let yourself go**

**cause part of your hides**

**And I know the hunger inside of you's strong**

**You can only hold back the river so long**

**Oh you don't have to go it alone**

**Oh you don't have to go it alone, go it alone**

**Run for your life, my love**

**Run and you don't give up**

**All that you are **

**All that you want**

**Run for you life right now**

**And if you don't know how**

**Ill come back with you and take all that's true**

**And leave all that's burned behind**

**Run for your life**

**So run for your life**

**Run for your life**

I couldn't get over how amazing Austin was performing, but when it was over I wasn't expecting anyone to like the song for the mere reason that I wrote it. But as soon as he finished there was a roar of cheering. Everyone loved us. That day, no one called me emo, or anything bad, we were just normal. We were Austin and Ally, a cute couple.

But like all good things, it came to an end. A week later I went home smiling at how things have turned around, only to open my bedroom door to Dallas.

I screamed and tried to run back out of the room but he grabbed me and threw me against a door.

"Just because the school accepts you again, doesn't mean you're any better of a person Dawson. You're still an emo, still a murderer. You use to be so hot Dawson but look at your body now it's disgusting." he said before pushing me harder into the door.

"Why are you here." I said trying not to let myself break again.

"To finish what I started." H said before throwing me against another wall and hitting me in the face. This lasted for about 20 minutes all the while he yelled at me about being worthless, and it should have been me.

By the time he had left, I knew that I was going to break my promise to Austin. Dallas made me not only hate myself more than before, but have to add my ugly, bruised and scared body to the list.

"Dallas is the biggest man whore in Miami, if he thinks you look disgusting, Austin must too." an annoying voice said in my head as I looked at my stomach in the mirror. That was the first day I skipped a meal. It was also the first time I cut again. I added countless scars to my stomach and legs, so I could convince Austin I was fine. I couldn't bear to see him cry again.

That was 2 months ago, and I still can't get skinny enough,to feel attractive again. It's frustrating when all I eat is half an apple and a cup of jello everyday, and I still look disgusting.

Today is Laura's birthday and today has been my darkest day yet.

After hours of dysfunctional family time, that consisted of sitting in silence staring at each other, I went to my room and sat in misery crying. Words of everyone over the past few months replayed in my head, especially the day with Dallas.

I couldn't do it anymore, that moment I was ready to end everything. Then I heard my phone ring.

"What Austin." I answered.

"I was going to check on you, but obviously you're not okay. Babe talk to me." he begged.

"There's nothing to talk about Austin, I'm done." I said before hanging up. I walked to the bathroom and looked at my lost red eyes in the mirror for at least 20 minutes before grabbing the razor and deeply slitting my wrist I sat on the floor and waited, but it was taking to long for my liking.

So leaving a trail of blood, I found the pain killers from when Laura had her appendix out a few years back.

I was struggling to open the bottle when I heard it, someone running up the stairs at lighting speed.

"Oh God please don't let me be to late." I heard him whisper at the door before running into the room to find me picking up the pills that had scattered around the floor and throwing them in my mouth.

He ran over to me and instantly started making me spit the still unswallowed pills out and wrapping my wrist in a white bandages he'd brought with him before tightly hugging me.

"You have no idea how badly you scared me." he said and I felt his warm tears on my neck.

"I'm so sorry Austin, I'm just I can't do it anymore. I'm scared."

"What happened baby, you were doing so well."

I sighed he didn't know about Dallas "Dallas came back, he attacked me. He said it's my fault I should have died not Laura and that I'm disgusting"

"None of that is true, you're beautiful Ally, I love you so much it shouldn't even be possible, please promise you'll never try this again."

"Will you promise not to leave me?"

"I'm not going anywhere, I'll even stay here with you tonight, just please I can't loose you too." he said finally stopping crying. "And if you even see Dallas look at you again tell me, I swear to God I'll kill him." he said before kissing me.

**Well summers over and I can update again (: this was a filler chapter the next chapter should be up soon (:**


	10. I'm So Sorry

_I'm sorry, but this is my fate, everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay  
_

Austin really did stay that whole night, no nothing happened, he only held Ally while she cried til they finally drifted off to sleep. They were woken early that morning by his mom worry call.

Ally's POV

"Austin where are you!" I heard his mom yell from where I sat beside him.

"I'm sorry, I fell asleep watching a movie at Ally's it'll never happen again." he lied, looking at me as he said "it will never happen again" causing me to find sudden interest in my red bedspread.

"Okay mom I'm on my way right now, yes I promise nothing happened, I'll be home in a few minutes love you." he said before hanging up.

"You have to leave?" I asked sadly knowing the second he walks out the door I'll feel empty again.

"I'm sorry, I'll call you latter okay?" he said kissing my forehead. "I love you, you know that right?"

"I know," I forced a smile "I love you too. Now go before you get in more trouble." I said walking him to the door of my room to give him a goodbye kiss before he left.

I watched out my window til I saw Austin safely drive away towards his house, I took notice in how much the pain in my chest increased with the distance his car traveled. Eventually I found herself in tears again laying on the floor, crying quietly not wanting to wake up Dez in the room next to mine.

As I lay there I can hear the voices that's haunted her for months, like they're in the room with me.

"_Disgusting" Dallas yells._

"_Emo freak." Cassidy whispers._

"_It should have been you."_

"_Kill yourself."_

"_You use to be hot, but look at you!"_

"_You might as well have killed her yourself."_

"_Die."_

"_Die." _

Soon I found myself repeating it in a soft whisper as I walked back and forth around my room "Die, emo freak, die.." I soon found myself holding the pain killers again. I quickly grabbed my phone ready to call Austin, knowing I need him right now.

"_Do it, Ally. You deserve this Austin doesn't really care do it! You're just ruining his life, don't call him. DO IT!" _the voice echoed in my brain.

I let out a loud scream before throwing my phone at a mirror, shattering it. "Shut up! I'll do it just SHUT UP!" I yelled to the voice.

"Ally? Is everything okay?" I heard Dez ask from the room beside mine.

I quickly opened the bottle and swallowed every pill before I could answer, or before he could come in and stop me.

It didn't take long for me to loose control of my muscles, and soon I felt myself hit the ground with a loud noise. I saw Dez run in through my blurred vision and he instantly burst into tears.

"Ally, no! I can't loose you too. Mom! Dad! Hurry!" guilt comes over me as I watch my little brother cry at the site of loosing both of his big sisters in the same year.

"_You did the right thing. You're selfish, he deserves a better sister." _the voice told me before I blacked out.

I woke up to the sound of annoying beeps and soft cries.

"Is this death?" I thought to myself as I struggled to open my eyes. Finally I pried them open to squint at the bright lights of the white room. After a moment I took notice of the fact I was in a bed attatched to machines.

I wasn't dead, I was in the hospital, I couldn't even kill myself correctly. I really do suck at everything.

After what seems like forever I find that I can movie again and slowly sit up.

"Ally!" I hear my mom cry as she runs over to me. My parents sit on both sides of me and hug me.

"You scared us Alice! Be more careful next time." my dad told me as he hugged me.

What do they mean be more careful? Did they really not know that it was purposeful.

"What do you mean?" I said confusion leaking out of my voice.

"Mom! Dad! Get a clue, it wasn't an accident! She tried to kill herself. Come back to reality and get her help before we loose Ally to!" Dez yelled coming out of his corner. His face was tear stained, and he looked a mix of: horrified, guilty, and pissed at our parents.

"Now Dez, these doctors don't know what they're talking about. Ally doesn't need to stay here a month for suicide watch. It was an accident, she doesn't need therapy she isn't crazy. It was an accident. Right dear?" my dad asked.

"_Suicide watch.. for a month, therapy... people think I'm crazy enough.. Am I crazy? No I'm just broken I don't need help! _I thought to myself before plastering on the best fake smile I could manage, "Of course it was an accident." I lied. Not having the ability to look at Dez's disappointed stare.

"Dez stay your sister we'll go pick you kids up some lunch, and Alice I'll get you a change of cloths." my mom said kissing my head.

"When can I go home?"

"In the morning. Austin should be him soon. They made him leave earlier saying only family can be here, but we talked to the doctors and he can stay the night with you so you're not alone."

Austin was coming? Why would he come, he doesn't care. I'm a burden. Love doesn't exist, why would he stay with me. "Great." I said in a broken voice. He must be coming to break up with me.

As soon as my parents left Dez sat down on the bed beside me.

"What the hell Ally!"

"What do you me Dez." I said playing innocent.

"I heard you yelling, I heard you're little break down. I seen it all Ally! I know it wasn't an accident why did you lie to mom and dad."

"Because they obviously can't handle it! A blind monkey could tell that wasn't an accident, but they convinced themselves it's not what it seems. I'm just not hurting our parents more than they already are!"

"Maybe if you would have been honest it would wake them up! Don't call them our parents they've paid about as much attention to us as a stranger since Laura died! You know it's true."

"I'm not crazy Dez I don't want to be treated like it! I don't want to go to these treatments! I had to lie."

"Ally you need them to get better!"

"I'm not sick Dez!"

Then the door opened to show a very tired looking Austin. It was obvious he's been crying all day, he looked a mess with his tangled hair, he's obviously been pulling at, and messy cloths. Though the depressing way he was carrying himself that's not what brought me to tears, it was the look of pure betrayal in his eyes.

"Dez I got it from here." he said in a broken voice.

"Okay. Take care of her Austin." Austin nodded in response as Dez turned and hugged me. "Promise me there won't be anymore 'accidents' Ally." he said looking me in the eyes.

"I promise." I lied, something I'd become good at over these past few months.

As soon as Dez left Austin dropped to his knees on the ground beside my bed. "Ally." he choked out "You promised me."

"Austin," I began reaching to whip the tears on his face away, "I'm so sorry. They told me you didn't care, that you don't love me."

He jumped up "Who! Why would you even consider to believe them Alice!" I flenched at the use of my full name, he's never called me Alice before.

"I don't know who, it was in my head. And yes I do believe it Austin! How could someone as amazing as you love me! I'm a screw up Austin. Love doesn't exist." the look on his face killed me when I told him my believes on love.

"Ally you can't look at what we have and tell me you don't believe in love." he whispers.

"I don't! Why are even with me Austin!." with that he grabbed my face and crashed his lips onto mine. Out of habit I instantly melt into him. He pulled away slowly and rested his forehead to mine, with his eyes still closed.

"Don't do that Austin! Love isn't real, you won't convince me." He kissed me again, this time pouring everything he had into that one kiss, almost making me believe again.

"I understand that you're hurt Ally, I've been there when I lost Megan. I'm so sorry you have to go through this Ally, but I don't care what you do I'm never leaving. I love you, rather you believe in it or not, and trust me every time I notice you doubting I'm just going to kiss you again. I'm here Ally I'm never going to leave." he said finally opening his eyes.

"Austin, why do you keep waisting your time with me, and don't you dare say you love me."

"Because Ally, I feel like if I didn't have you I wouldn't be able to breath. I'd die without you."

"I'm so sorry Austin, I know I'm hurting you. I wish I could be okay again."

"Ally will you please try?"

"How I can't let my parents know how I am, they refuse to believe this wasn't an accident!"

"Trish starts therapy next week. Go with her, please Ally." he begged.

"I never have had the ability to say no to you. Fine I'll go." I agreed.

A week latter I'm riding to the clinic with Trish in complete silence.

"Trish answer honestly, does this have anything to do with you or is it just something Austin set up."

"My doctor really is here, and I really do start today, but Austin set up your appointment and you're own doctor." she said honestly as we walked to the waiting room and signed in.

Just moments latter a woman came out and called for me. I walked in the room to see a perky, gray haired lady sitting behind a desk.

"Ms. Dawson, it's a pleasure to meet you." she said motioning for me to sit on the couch beside her desk.

"It's nice to meet you too Miss..."

"Call me Jane." she said with a warm smile "Now your boyfriend informed me your older sister died about 4 months ago, tell me about that."

I took a deep breath, a part me actually hoping therapy wouldn't involve talking about my problems.

"We were at my ex boyfriend's back to school party. He was really drunk and tried to make me sleep with him, and we got in a huge fight. Laura and I had a tradition when a party became to much for us we'd take some of the alcohol and pretty much have a camp out in the woods, so when I found her we went straight for the woods. I remember it was so much fun dancing around like idiots laughing at nothing, thinking about it it's a pretty good last memory to have of her. That is until we finally settled down and she kept talking weird about how I need to know she loves me. See Laura could like sense when something bad was going to happen, but I stupidly let it pass. I woke up that morning and she was gone, so I figured she was doing what she often did and going home before me to try to scare me, but when I got home she wasn't there. I let it slide thinking she was probably at a friends, but at 11 that night the cop knocked on our door saying he thinks he found her body. I remember breaking down on the stairs when my brother asked what's going on. I told him and I guess that's when I started to blame myself."

"That's a lot for someone your age to go through dear. I'm so sorry. You mentioned an ex boyfriend, what happened there."

"Dallas he cheated on me." I said deciding against telling her of his anger issues just yet.

"I'm sorry hun, but it seems Austin adores you, tell me about him."

"I don't deserve him. He's literally the most caring person I've ever met, I have no doubt if it wasn't for him, I would have joined Laura by now."

"I could tell when he made the appointment he really loves you."

"You're wrong." I said coldly. "Love isn't real, he can't love me."

"What made you believe that Alice?"

"I'm sure he told you about my recent hospital visit?"

"Yes, I'm very aware of the suicide attempt."

"When it was happening it was like there was a voice in my head fighting with me, it told me I was a burden and he doesn't care about me."

"A voice?"

"It started out replaying all the people have said to me since my sister's death, then it turned into someone else entirely telling me to do it."

"That's interesting dear. I'm afraid I know why that happened, but I doubt you'd be happy about it."

"Can you make it stop?"

"I'm afraid you may have a developed schizophrenia dear, when did the voices start."

"Not long after Laura's funeral." I said paleing at the news.

"Sweaty, I'm sorry."

"So I really am crazy." I said mainly to myself as I started to cry.

"Ally don't worry there's medication for it, as long as you take it the voices will go away."

"I don't need medication! I'm not crazy dammit!" I yell before storming out of the room only to storm right into Austin Moon.

"What are you doing here Austin!" I yell looking at the ground.

"_If you thought he couldn't love you before, what do you think it'll be like now that you're crazy." _the voice told me.

"I came to pick you up, Trish had to leave to meet my mom, I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for going."

"I'm never coming back." I say looking up letting him see my tear stained face.

He engulfed me in a big hug "Ally-gator what happened."

"She thinks I'm schizophrenic Austin. I'm not coming back, I refuse to take some stupid wacko pill Im not crazy! And I know you're going to want me to, but let's face it Austin you have plenty of reason to leave now."

"Ally, you need the treatment, it's only going to get worse without it. And Ally she could have told you she thinks you're part unicorn and it wouldn't change how I feel about you." I fought myself from smiling at him before I pushed out of his hug.

"You don't love me Austin, it's not real." he kept his promise, and pulled me in for another emotional kiss. I smiled at the tingling feeling that still goes through my body and begin to kiss him back. For the first time in weeks feeling happy again, feeling loved again.

"_Selfish! That's what you are. Laura can't feel happy can she! Laura can't love! You're part of the reason she's dead what gives you a right to be happy. It should have been you!" _

I pulled away from him with an agree push and grabbed my head "Shut up!" I yelled before running off to the bathroom with Austin following behind calling my name.

I emptied my bag on the tile bathroom floor to find the blade I always kept with me, and was already digging into my skin before Austin could even break threw the door.

He froze at the site of me at work. "Stop Ally please." he cried as he slid to the floor.

I wanted to stop, seeing him crumble in front of me. So I continued, barley hearing him cry and beg in front of me.

Austin's POV

I laid in a ball on the floor pleading and crying at the site of the love of my life's blood stain the tile. I have to safe her.

After what seems like forever she stops. I can see a look of realization hit her as her eyes meet mine. I can see her heart break at the site of my laying broken on the floor.

I watched her horrified face drop the blade in front of me as she berried her face in her hands and cried.

I quickly shoved the red stained blade in my pocket and crawled over to her and pulled her onto my lap.

"I'm so sorry Austin." she said as she cried.

I just brought her wrist to my mouth and kissed the new marks in response. "Shh it's okay to cry Ally let it out."

"What did I do to deserve you." she said looking me in the eye.

"I should be saying the same thing love." I said brushing the hair off her face before quickly pecking her lips.

She sighed in content before reopening her chocolate eyes, "Austin," she started "I-

**And I'm leaving it there because I've already added 2 chapters into one and if I write anymore I'll never finish this chapter haha xD Review :D**


	11. The Past and Lessons

Chapter 11

previously:

___I laid in a ball on the floor pleading and crying at the site of the love of my life's blood stain the tile. I have to safe her._

___After what seems like forever she stops. I can see a look of realization hit her as her eyes meet mine. I can see her heart break at the site of my laying broken on the floor._

___I watched her horrified face drop the blade in front of me as she berried her face in her hands and cried._

___I quickly shoved the red stained blade in my pocket and crawled over to her and pulled her onto my lap._

___"I'm so sorry Austin." she said as she cried._

___I just brought her wrist to my mouth and kissed the new marks in response. "Shh it's okay to cry Ally let it out."_

___"What did I do to deserve you." she said looking me in the eye._

___"I should be saying the same thing love." I said brushing the hair off her face before quickly pecking her lips._

___She sighed in content before reopening her chocolate eyes, "Austin," she started "I-_

I knew I wanted to tell him. Tell him those three words deep down I knew I felt for him, but it was to hard for me to believe. I choked and the words couldn't come out. "I think we should go home."

He quickly hid it, but I caught the flash of disappointment that came over Austin's face before he nodded and grabbed my hand to help me up. I quickly washed myself off, and we made our way to my house.

We sat in silence on my bed for what seemed like forever before I remembered something. He has my razor. "Austin sweaty," I started in an innocent voice, knowing he wouldn't take my request lightly.

"Ally?" Austin questioned obviously scared of my sickeningly sweet voice.

"Can I.. you know what you picked up in the bathroom.. can I maybe have it back?" I said looking down at my bedspread as I spoke.

"Are you serious Ally?" he sighed running his fingers through his messy, blonde hair.

"It's mine Austin, and I want it back!" I argued, growing impatient.

"Why do you do this to me Ally!" he yelled back at me.

"I'm hurting Austin! It helps me!"

"Do you not think this hurts me Alice!" he yells back.

"Why should it Austin! It's my body." With that he angrily removed his leather jacket and dug in his pocket, pulling out the silver blade.

I stared at him confused for a moment before I almost fainted at his next move. He carefully brought the sharp edge to his wrist and quickly slid it over the skin, leaving a growing line of red behind.

"Austin! No, please stop." I said not even trying to stop the tears from pouring down her face when he winces in pain as he makes a second line on his perfect skin.

"No Ally. What you're feeling right now, it's exactly how I feel every single time you hurt the slightest bit! So will you quit now Alice? Please." he asks finally lifting the blade as he finishes the third thin line.

"I can't Austin! I need this!" I yell at him, he doesn't even respond as he continues with my blade. I feel like the walls are closing in as I watch his wrist stain with his own blood. It gets to the point where I have to get up and rush to the bathroom and just throw up everything I've ever ate.

How could I have put him through all of this, how could I cause someone so important to me to feel the sickeningly painful feeling I have watching him. How could he do this to himself!

I ran back in the room and yelled "How could you Austin! You ruined a perfectly clean wrist! You don't even understand how important that is!"

He finally drops the bloody razor on my nightstand and walks over to where I'm standing. "Ally I understand completely."

"How?" I said looking up at him as I grab a towel from my bathroom to stop his bleeding.

He takes a deep breath and unwraps the towel "Look closely." he whispers

I take his wrist in my hand and past the new marks I can easily make out hundreds of white lines all over his wrist.

I gasp and drop his hand instantly "When." I managed to croak out.

He took my hand and led us to sit on my bed, he looked me in the eye and said "This isn't easy for me to tell you, other than my family know one's knew."

"Austin, you don't have to if you're not ready." I said hugging him tightly.

He hugged back as he whispered in my ear "I want you to know Alls." he took a deep breath before continuing, "It started right after Megan died. I wanted to know how harming yourself could help anything, that's the reason I did it the first time. It was suppose to be a one time thing, just because I wanted to understand, but damn it's addicting. Before I even realized it the first time had become the hundredth, and I was so far in depression I didn't believe in a way out. I lived in Maine before this, so no one questioned my long clothing, I think that's why it got to go on for so long. Everyone thought I wanted to be alone because I was so close to Megan, when in reality I didn't want my secret to get out. It's funny how even after a year, my friends didn't care enough to check up on my absence. So by this time my dad and Trish's mom. My dad actually had it in him to go to grief counseling, and met Lyric at the clinic. She was there with Trish, who had just recently had a failed attempt. They instantly fell in love, it was hard not to Lyric, not that she could ever replace my mom, but she's an amazing person. But her and Trish moving in reminded me of how I've lost my sister and my mom at a cruel age to loose anyone at. I didn't let it effect my opinion on the two, actually Trish was my instant best friend, well my only friend. By the end of that year, I was at an all time low. It hurt so bad all the time, and I hated even looking in a mirror to get ready knowing my body was covered. So I eventually go into drugs thinking they'd make me forget all the depression and be happy again. It worked for a while, but once I came down from my high I sunk into a worse place than I was at before. It didn't take long for Trish to notice that I was on them, she walked in one night, when our parents were out, to borrow my flash drive and caught me. The next day she forced me to tell her what was going on, I showed her the marks and said and I quote "It made me not feel for a while." she started crying, like I said we were best friends, and what she did next I was pretty mad about when it happened but now I understand she was scared to loose me. She ran down stairs and told our parents everything. They didn't believe her at first, but they did search my room, and of course they found the drugs. Then they pretty much stripped me and seen the harm I'd caused myself. They didn't think twice before shipping me off for 4 months to go live in some wacko rehab facility, and I worked to get better, but when I went back to Maine it all went down hill. I went to school the day after I came back, and everyone knew what had happened to me, and well you understand how cruel they can be. So after having another attack when I got home, and I lost a lot of blood and my dad found me close to death in my bathroom. At the hospital he said that the would move the store and I would have a new life. So we chose Miami, I spent 2 months being homeschooled in suicide watch and now here I am."

I was crying, we both were "Why Miami though?" I asked

He looked down blushing "I'm going to sound creepy."

I smile at him "Tell me."

"In rehab my parents brought me a bunch of old pictures, and one of them was me and you. We were hugging and about to leave camp. It sort of reminded me of you, and it's like I realized I still love you. Then I thought I definitely need to be in the mental ward for loving a girl I haven't spoke to in 3 years, but I started recovering thinking that maybe I wasn't crazy and it was faith. My dad he had a list of places that he could move the store to, and when he named Miami I knew you were here." he said looking down blushing.

"Oh Austin." I said crying before tackling him in a big hug. I could feel his tears on my neck, and we just sat that for at least an hour and cried. "I'm so sorry, you deserve more than anyone to be happy. You're such an amazing person, I hate even the thought of you hurting, I hate that I'm the reason you lost all the progress you made."

"Ally I'm not going to lie to you, since I've been back it's been painful." I looked at the bread spread in guilt, "No no no love don't take that the wrong way, seeing you hurt it's been painful, but having the ability to call you mine, to kiss you, to say I love you, it's made me feel so happy that I didn't think it was possible. Don't worry about any "ruined progress" I swear to you that was a one time thing, I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you Ally, please believe me."

I kiss him "I'm getting there Aus, trust me every time I'm with you I get a little closer. You mean so much to me." he smiled a small smile before capturing our lips again.


	12. Prologue

**Okay guys this story I really have grown to love it and have big plans for it. I reread it and realized I rushed through it quite a bit and will rewriting it, also Austin's POV has finished it's planning stage :D now what I'm going to do is leave the original up until I get to the point I'm at now I'm sorry for any inconvenience but I'm OCD and I want this story to be perfect :/ without further annoying A/N here is the prologue to the new Eccedentesiast **

Everything use to be perfect. I was loved and popular. I was at the top of my class and people would kill to be my friend. I was the girl every guy wanted, I was the fun girl that lit up a room, my life was all changed the summer before my senior year...

Now everything before wasn't as perfect as I liked to pretend it was. My dad was hardly ever home. He owns a very popular chain of music stores, Sonic Boom, and is always away on business. My siblings and I pretty much grew up without him, so when he is home it's usually quiet and awkward.

My mom, she's the sweatiest person you will ever meet. She works way to hard to keep Dez, Laura, and I happy, and I will forever be grateful to her. She, after Laura, is one of the people I feel I can talk to about anything. I'd be lost without her.

Then there's my baby brother Dez. He's 15, and a genius. He goes to some smarty pants science school on full scholarship. He's probably the strangest person I know, but he's still a great brother. Laura and I may fight with him constantly but there's no doubt that we're all very close siblings.

Now finally, my best friend, my big sister Laura. She's a year older than me, but she's also a senior this year. My mom was to distraught to have her little girl grow up, and had Laura start kindergarten a year late. Laura's the complete opposite of me, at least that's what everyone thinks. Laura could care less what people think of her. She doesn't care that she's not as smart as me or Dez. She doesn't care that she doesn't have a bunch of fake friends. She's herself all the time and I've always been jealous of her ability to be herself.

I've always had to fit in. I've always had to feel loved to be happy, it's why I created such a fake person to be at school. Before this summer it never hit me how much I hated the person I let myself become. I didn't see it then, but it's funny how a tragedy can make you realize how unhappy you were with yourself.


	13. Over protective Big Sister

Chapter 1: Overprotective Big Sister

"___With the weight of the world on her shoulders, she begins to forget how to breath"_

"Ally! Laura! Hurry up it's been three hours, I need the bathroom. No matter how long you spend it's not going to help yall! Please don't let my bladder explode." Dez wines through the bathroom door as Laura finishes up my make up.

We look in the mirror, and I have to admit Laura does an amazing job. My ombre hair is in perfect curls down my back, while her jet black hair is in a cute sock bun. Our make up is done in a dramatic cat-eye that makes our chocolate eyes look gorgeous. I was dressed in my favorite sparkly, black tank top and red skinny jeans, while Laura rocked high waisted, denim shorts and a red crop top.

I opened the door to see a pissed off Dez blocking the doorway.

"Move twerp." Laura said annoyed as she pushed him out of the way.

"Really 3 hours for that!" Dez complained.

"We look better than you ever will little brother." Laura snapped.

"You're just jealous that I'll probably get in collage before you!" even though she didn't act like it I knew Laura hated that she wasn't as smart as Dez or me.

"I'm not jealous of your little science school freak! At least I have a life." Laura yelled.

"A life of what? Hanging out with your sister and her pathetic excuse of friends?"

"Hey Cassidy, Brooke, and Kira are not pathetic!"

"Ally you know if you didn't have your kinda annoying need for attention you'd want to shoot yourself over hanging out with them." the sad thing is I couldn't fight him on that.

"Don't dis Ally's friends, at least she has them!"

"I have friends!"

"You're ginger bread men don't count Dez!"

"Don't you have a party to go to." Dez said obviously hurt by Laura's comment.

"Yes we do, now go use the bathroom like you bugged us to do for hours, and spend your Friday night with cookies like the looser you are!" Laura yelled.

"I hate you Laura! I can't wait for you to graduate and get the hell out of my life!" Dez yelled.

"The feeling could not be more mutual." She said before storming out of the house dragging me with her.

They were always like this, they couldn't look at each other without WW3 breaking out, so as we got in the car I knew it was a good idea not to bring out the youngest Dawson sibling.

"Can you believe we're going to be seniors!" I exclaim excitedly as we drove to the Dallas's end of the year party. My boyfriend Dallas has held it every year since 2nd grade, but now instead of jamming to the Jonas Brothers and eating pizza in his basement we get drunk off our asses and dance like idiots by the lake. It was the end of our junior year, so I'm sure this will be the biggest party yet, to celebrate us finally being on top.

"I know. Do you think this year you can actually be yourself. Be happy, make something of your last year with your big sis?" she practically begged. She's always looking for a way to get me to be myself around others, when I honestly just don't have the ability.

"Laura you know I don't even know how to do that unless it's you and Dez" I said sadly.

"You had no problem with Austin, and he fell in love with you."

"I haven't spoke to or seen Austin in 6 years!"

"You still care about him though."

"No I don't Laura, he was nothing more than a summerlove at camp." I lied to her, truthfully I still often think of Austin, sometimes I even wish he was Dallas.

"Whatever Ally." she says as she parks in the field by the lake.

As we walk towards the loud music we instantly go to the drink table and start working on our first drink.

"I can already tell this party's lame." Laura stated.

"We've been here literally 5 minutes Laura, lighten up!" I laughed.

We walked around for a while while I looked for Dallas. The longer I went without his presence annoyed me more and more. You see last week I caught him cheating on my with my co-captain Kimmy, but obviously I couldn't end it with him. We were the most shipped couple in Miami and if we ended it would put a huge dent in my reputation.

After an hour I took an angry sip of my 3rd drink when Laura finally took notice of my annoyance.

"I don't see why you put up with him." Laura lectured for the hundredth time since we caught him in bed with Kimmy.

"You know why. We've been together since freshmen year, I love him." I said looking at the ground.

"You love him, or you love that people love you to?" I don't know how to answer to this. Honestly I don't think I really do love Dallas, I really do only love the attention we get, but how can I admit to that. "I mean come on Alls don't you thank it's time for Dally to end?" she said using our couple name.

Right when I was about to agree with her, I melt someone tightly hug me from behind.

"Guess who?" Dallas asks as I turn around and force a smile at him. "Hey babe" I said as he tightly hugged me, almost making me sick from the overwhelming sent of alcohol on him.

He was already drunk out of his mind and he looked a mess. His usual overly neat hair, looked as if he'd lost a fight to a huge bird. He was missing a shirt and paint marks covered his tan skin. He sloppily kissed me and I swear he tasted like you could squeeze him for a drink instead of waiting in the line at the bar.

He started dragging me away, abandoning Laura who I knew was sending me a disapproving look. I turned my head back towards her and mouthed an apology, before letting Dallas drag me to an abandoned area on the other side of the lake where we sat down by the water. Even with the choking smell of boos coming from Dallas this was still one of the most beautiful scenes I'd ever seen.

Now if this was a movie this would be where Dallas would say a sickeningly romantic, corning line about my beauty, but no you don't get romance when you're with Dallas. Instead of a word he pulls me in his lap and tries to eat my face, I kiss him back for the mere reason that if I don't it'll only make this experience even less enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Dallas at all, I just don't think of him on a Dally level anymore, honestly I don't think I ever have.

The kiss soon becomes to much for me when I feel his hangs try to pull off my top. Out of habit I slapped his hand away before pushing him off of me as I hopped to my feet to send him the meanest glare I was capable of.

"Come on Ally, we've been together for forever, when are you going to give in?" he slurs.

"Maybe when you're not drunk, and fucking every girl in a mini skirt behind my back!" I yell at him quickly growing more and more sick of his ways.

"Maybe I wouldn't need those girls if my own girlfriend would pay me some attention!" he argued.

"That's no excuse for cheating Dallas! Just drop it, you know I'm not going to sleep with you." I know I'm one of the popular "mean girls" but I actually have standards. I know Dallas isn't the one, therefore I'm not giving him the one thing I can't get back. I want my first time to be with someone I love, who loves me back. I want it to be special. Is that to much to ask?

After my rant I started to walk off, but was harshly grabbed and forced to turn around to face Dallas. The look in his eyes terrified me. I'd never seen it before, it was full of hatred, almost sinister. Next thing I know he slaps me causing me to fall to the ground. Before I can even react he's on top of me attacking my lips again. He manages to rip my favorite shirt before I can finally fight him off. I jump to my feet and push him in the water before he can grab me again.

"Go to hell Dallas!" I yell before I take off running terrified he'll get out of the water and catch me.

The first person to think to stop me is Laura, who grabs my shoulders and asks "Ally what's going on? Are you okay?"

"I just pushed Dallas in the lake, he hit me. Laura he was going to rape me!" I yelled in tears.

"You still think he's worth your reputation?" Laura began to lecture. Sometimes I hated her overprotective big sister side.

"Laur now's not the time to play the big sister card okay!" I say annoyed.

"I'm sorry Ally." she says before breaking out into an evil smile, and I can instantly read her mind "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"This party sucks camping trip?" I ask excitedly. You see when Laura and I find a party lame, we steal some of the drinks and head off to our spot on the trail in the woods and camp out. We tend to have more fun acting like idiots together than we do pretending to tolerate the drunks at the party.

Her smile got bigger as she held up the already full bag of stolen drinks, "I knew this party was lame from the beginning." I laughed as we took off running towards our car and drove towards the trail.

When we got there I got the tent, we kept in the trunk for this occasion, and we hiked the 5 miles to our spot. It was right in the opening of the trees and you could perfectly see the sky. It was beautiful, especially on clear nights like tonight.

We set up our tent while loudly playing, and badly singing along to The Red Hot Chili Peppers. We danced around like drunk idiots for hours before finally passing out in the tent laughing. Neither of us knew what we was laughing at, and we were both to drunk to care. I was forgetting Dallas even existed with the help of my best friend, I didn't care about the image I had to keep up. I was me and it felt amazing.

Suddenly Laura stopped laughing and turned on her side to face me, I repeated her actions and noticed a bittersweet look of fear in her eyes. I knew that look, Laura has a talent for knowing when things were going to happen, and from what I can tell this isn't something good.

"Hey Alls?" she said in a serious voice.

"Yea Laur?"

"If you ever don't have me know I love you sis. Know that all you care about doesn't matter, and there will be someone out there that loves you truly. That person isn't Dallas. Promise you won't spend your life trying to impress people and be happy, for me?"

I hug her "Laura you're my sister and more importantly my best friend, why would I ever not have you! You can't get rid of me that easy." I joke. She gives me a sad smile and flashes me a knowing look. That's when I realized this wasn't time to joke. Instead I just hug my sister and tell her I love her and that I'll keep her promise.

It scared me, thinking of a life without Laura and not knowing what it means. I convinced myself it was nothing more than the insane amount of alcohol she had consumed.

I fell asleep that night with her words replaying in my head. When I woke up that morning Laura was gone. The keys to our car was sitting with my stuff, and I instantly started fighting off the bad feeling in my stomach. I convinced myself she walked home early to try to scare me, that she was sitting in her room listening to music. It wouldn't have been the first time she's done this, but as I got up, packed our stuff, and walked towards our car something in me knew she wouldn't be there.

**Review**


	14. A Few Miles From The Railroad

Chapter 2: A Few Miles From the Trail

"_Run for your life my love"_

I spent the whole drive home convincing myself Laura would be sitting on the couch, watching TV, and eating breakfast, but the further I drove the worst the horrible feeling in my stomach got. By the time I pulled in the drive way I thought I was going to throw up all over my steering wheel.

I ran into my house, only to be disappointed to find the TV off, and the couch empty. I ran threw the whole house looking for Laura, but soon realized no one was home. My dad was of course on another business trip, and mom had took Dez to his doctors appointment a few towns over.

'Maybe Laura got home to early, and was forced to go with mom and Dez.' I tried to convince myself, as I made my way up the stairs to my room before passing out on my bed. I fell asleep with Laura's speech last night repeating in my head.

I was awoken by the sound of my mom and brother getting home, I quickly ran down stairs hopping to find Laura with them. I got sick when I realized she wasn't.

"Hey Ally, how was the party?" my mom smiled at me.

"It sucked, uhh have you seen Laura?"

"No, why? Is something wrong Ally?"

"Mom I'm scared. We went camping like we always do, and I woke up and she wasn't there. I figured she was trying to scare me again, and she went with you and Dez, but she obviously isn't."

"Ally calm down, we'll call the police station, have them look for her. She's probably fine, definitely grounded, but fine." my mom said hugging me trying to calm me down, before walking off to call the police.

I was in my room cleaning, it's what I do when I'm nerves, when I found the scrapbook. It was one Laura and I use to put all our favorite memories in.

I sat on my floor and opened the book to a random pages. I couldn't help but smile at the pictures of us together over the years. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her.

Soon I find a picture of Laura and I attempting to do an attractive mirror picture and failing, seeing the phone reminds me I left my phone here last night in the hurry Laura was to get out. I got up, leaving the book laying in my floor, and made my way over to where my phone was charging.

I had a few text from my friend's asking where I was last night, and one from Dallas asking if I had fun, he was obviously to drunk to remember I pushed him in the lake, but one text made me drop my phone to the ground.

To Ally

From Laura

Ally help me, I'm lost and I think someone's following me.

I stood there frozen, until I heard the doorbell rind from downstairs. I run down and answer it to be greeted by a young officer.

My mom walks over and stands beside me.

"Hello officer, do you have any news on Laura?" my mom asked calmly.

"Mrs. Dawson there's no easy way to say this, but there was a body found a few miles from the old railroad, we believe it may be your daughter." the officer said looking down.

"What? It can't be my Laura." my mom said starting to cry. The officer pulled a picture out of the bag he was holding and held it to his chest so we couldn't see, what I knew would haunt me.

"Ma'am I need you to identify the body, can you please look at the picture. I know this is hard, this is the worst part of this job."

"I'll do it." I speak up, considering my mom is distraught. The officer hands me the picture and I freeze. There's no doubt it's Laura. Behind all the blood I can see the red top she wore last night, and the silver anchor necklace she never took off.

"It-it's her" I said before handing the picture back to him, trying to keep the tears back til the officer left.

"I'm so sorry. I wish I was delivering different news, this is never easy on either side." The officer said before leaving.

As the door closes I drop to the floor and cry. I heard Dez come down the stairs and sit beside my mom and me.

"What's going on?" he questioned worriedly.

"Son, I-I Laura, she's gone" my mom said in a small voice.

"Gone?" he said confused.

I stood up angrily "She's dead Dez, she was murdered, and it's all my fault!" I yelled.

Both my mom and brother stood up and hugged me. "Als dear this is in no way your fault."

"I forgot my phone mom, she had texted me she's lost and thinks she's being followed. If I had my phone I would have fond her."

"Ally, if you would have went after her and this man was already following he more than likely would have just killed you too." my brother pointed out.

"You're right, I just I can't accept she's gone. She was just doing my make up a few hours ago Dez! She was my best friend and she's gone!" I said before breaking down crying again.

We spent the rest of that night all in a tight hug crying on each other, wishing this night would be just a nightmare.


	15. The Parting Glass

"___Fear is the path to Darkness- fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."_

I spent the past three days trying to convince myself it was a nightmare. Any moment I would would wake up and Laura would still be here. But I knew that wasn't my luck, this was my new reality. But I refuse to accept she's gone, because deep down I know how easily I could have saved her. It's to the point my family thinks I'm delusional, and I know it's worrying them.

Today I knew I couldn't lie to myself any longer. It was her funeral. I had to say a final goodbye to the only person who ever truly knew me, my best friend. I stood in my full length mirror thinking of how today would play out. I knew we'd take turns speaking, my friends and family would all hug on me and I knew I'd have to pretend their pity helps, and act like I was happy they came, I knew I would probably sit at the grave hours latter crying like a baby, I knew I'd finally have to accept Laura is gone forever.

I took one last look at myself before sadly making my way to the stairs. My ombre hair was down in pretty curls, the way Laura had taught me to do when I was younger, I wore a knee length black dress with black lace, short sleeves, and matching black heels. My make up was dark and I knew by the end of the day I would be ever so grateful to water proof makeup.

I sigh and walk out to my waiting family in the car. My brother Dez, the baby of the family, even though he was almost 16 I still considered him my baby brother. He was taking her death the hardest. Of course none of use was taking it well, loosing a girl to murder at 19 never leaves many people happy.

At the funeral I sit beside my mother and brother. My dad was holding my sobbing mom, and I held Dez's hand in an attempt to comfort him. I looked at the front of the tent and seen the open brown coffin.

She looked so peaceful, like she was just asleep. It almost puts me at peace that this is my last image of her, her looking peaceful, beautiful, not how horrible she looked when I had to help my mom identify her body.

For the first time in my life I wonder what it's like. What it's like to be dead, to lay there not a care in the world, not a worry, just to lay there in peace. I quickly shake the thought from my mind when I hear he priest clear his throat.

"We are gathered hear today to celebrate the much to short life of Laura Dawson. Though her life was ended much earlier than it should have we know that she is now home and watching over all of us. It's a tragedy when a loved one is lost, especially in such horrid events, but it brings a family together in the time of need. Now we're going to hear a few words from the family of Laura." the priest said walking away from the body to sit beside Dez. He lied, since Laura left my family hasn't been closer at at all, we actually have hardly even spoke to each other, or anyone for the matter.

My dad took the alter first. "Laura, she was my first born, my little girl. I from the moment I first held her, always swore I'd protect her with my life. I always thought that would mean protecting her from teenage boys and mean girls at school, I never thought that I would be here in front of her body knowing I failed to protect my little princess. It's tragedies like these that make you regret times you didn't hug your children. I remember when I had to work late she would come in as a little girl and want me to play dress up with her, or read her, Ally, and Dez a bedtime story and I always said I was to busy. I regret that with ever ounce of my being now. So all the parents here today, hug your children daily, protect them, talk to them, never miss a chance to say I love you. I always thought something like this would never happen to me, but it can happen to anyone. You never really know how short life is til you see one ended." he turns around and places a red rose on Laura's lifeless body, he whips a tear away and walks back to his seat.

My mom took a deep breath and walked up to the alter for her turn. "Thanks all of you who came today to celebrate my beautiful daughter's short life. Laura, she was a unique life force. She, much like her little sister, had the ability to light up the room with just a smile. Laura was my first born, and I never thought I'd see the day I would have to bury one of my children. I know Laura will be greatly missed. I'll never forget all the times she came running to me for opinions on what to wear on dates, or getting her ready for her senior prom months ago. All the laughs and mother daughter moments we share, they'll forever remain in my heart." my mother, just as my dad had, sadly turned around and laid her rose on her body, whipped a tear and walked back to her seat.

Dez went next, he was crying from the beginning. "She was my big sister, living with her was like a war. She was so hard to get along with at times, and we fought daily, but there was never a doubt we loved each other. She was my sister, and I had an instinct as her brother to protect her, and I failed to. I regret every harsh word said no, I regret that before she left that night we had gotten in another stupid fight. I'd been waiting on the bathroom for a few hours for her and Ally to finish getting ready, and it was almost like world war 3, but I regret so much those harsh words were my last to her. I love you Laur, I hope that up in heaven she knows that I never meant anything bad I've said about her. She didn't deserve this." he said crying as he placed his rose on my sister's body.

I'm shaking as I walk up to my spot at the alter. "I was with her that night. I'd just gotten in a fight with my boyfriend, and she took me off to our spot in the woods to hang out and we fell asleep. I woke up alone and figured she'd went home without me to scare me, it wasn't the first time she'd done that. I went home and she wasn't there and as time passed I was almost sick with worry. I still have the police officers words on replay in my head as he tells me she was killed. Laura was my best friend, she was the only one I trusted enough to let know the real me and now I've not only lost my sister but my best friend, I love you big sis, I miss you. This never should have happened." I took my seat by my brother and mother again and waited for the priest to say his last words.

"Let us pray." said the priest before beginning a prayer I couldn't even hear over my own tears.

After he was finished the coffin started to lower and as if on cue it started pouring down rain. I ran to the coffin and fell to my knees in front of it. I yelled at it to bring her back that this can't be happening.

My loved ones let me break down for quite a while before I felt my aunt's hand on my shoulder. I stood up and hugged her.

"Margret it's good to see you." I said whipping tears away as I greeted my favorite aunt.

"Alice how are you holding up?"

"I've been better" I said trying to smile.

"I know how it must be for you. How guilty you must feel."

"What?"

"You were there that night weren't you? Your mom told me about the text. Don't you feel guilty you didn't wake up and stop it, that it wasn't you instead of her?" she asked.

I looked down suddenly realizing this was all my fault. At that moment I felt every part of me lock down, I felt an unbearable pain slowly slip into an even less bearable numbness. I felt self hatred rise in me. I realize how much my fault this all was. "I never really thought of it that way." I managed to whisper.

Margret hugged me, "It wasn't Alice, it was her time there was no stopping it. I'm so sorry I shouldn't have said anything" she said before stroking hair out of my face and walking away.

It's been three days since the funeral, and my aunt's words still play through my head. I knew it was my fault, and I hated myself for it. I think that's what brought me to this. I grabbed my nail scissors from the medication cabinet I once shared with the innocent girl I helped murder. I ran the sharp, cold edge over my flawless, olive skin. The first time I remember was just three thin little marks, they barley even bled. They were just cat scratches. I remember whispering on the third scratch before I broke down and cried that that was the last time... I didn't know then the addiction I'd gotten myself into.


	16. Clear & Pure

_"____Confusion in her eyes she's lost control and she's clinging to the nearest passer by she's lost control."_

To everyone who says "With time pain heals." you are all liars! It's been 3 weeks. 21 days since I helped murder Laura, and everything's only fell more to hell. My family hasn't stuck together at all.

Dez, he acts like nothing happened. He pretends there never was a Laura Dawson. He's back in his room with his dog, and abusively hard homework. He looks healthy and happy, he's laughing again. To most it'd look like someone who's moved on from a tragic event, finally let the person go and lives life the way they'd want you to, but as his sister I know it's an act. At first I fell for it, til the night I walked by his door and hear him crying. I know deep down he misses her, he hates himself for what his last words to her were. I know he pretends she doesn't exist to protect himself from thinking of her, and in a way I'm jealous he has that ability.

My father stayed home the first week and locked himself in his office, or yelled at us for the most innocent things. Like Dez was 5 minutes late from school because his bus broke down and we all got chewed out. You see when bad things happen, my dad can become similar to the devil, other times when he manages to be home he's the nicest man on earth. Anyways after the first week he's pretty much abandoned us for more stupid, unnecessary conventions.

My mother, for lack of better words is mute. She hasn't spoke a word since the funeral. She sits in the middle of the bed in Laura's old room and stairs into space. Of course she sleeps and uses the bathroom as needed, but other than that she's right back in the room. It's been up to Dez and I to keep her and ourselves fed. Which trust me has been difficult, Laura was the cook in the family.

As for myself, I'll be surprised if my friends recognize me at school today. Honestly I don't consider them my friends anymore, I've finally accepted they only want me for popularity, not once has any of them checked up on me since Laura died. Only Dallas has been around, and he just tries to take advantage of my vulnerable state. As for the scratching, it's stayed just that, I've barley even shed a drop of blood.

Now as for my friends not recognizing me, my appearance has changed almost as much as my emotions. I use to be the girl in frilly dresses that listened to boy bands, and wore my hair in a head band with pretty much airbrushed makeup. Now I've traded that for Laura's old style of skinny jeans and vintage tshirts. I died out my ombre for a much darker brown with a pastel blue on the bottom. The music changed to when I went through what everyone revered to as Laura's underground music. It has so much more meaning.

These changes didn't go unnoticed by my friends though. The first day of school they waisted no time pointing out I'm a different person.

Cassidy, Brooke, Kira, and I sat at on of the circle tables on the popular stage, of course the girls were engaged in some, what can only be described as, sinister gossip. Listening to their harsh words shattered my already broken heart even more as I realized just a few weeks ago I would have been the worst of the four. That's all our friendship was trashing people we didn't know, and sometimes even each other.

After a while I had to try to block them out my focusing on my uneaten sandwich, for they had made me to sick to eat.

"Okay Ally, what gives?" Cassidy finally asks me.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" I asked hopping this wouldn't lead into about what happened to Laura. Honestly I didn't know, every time the case came on the news I'd shut it off, hurting to much to see her picture, I'm not ready to know the truth.

"Why aren't you talking? Didn't you miss us, we haven't spoke in weeks!"

"My sister just died! I'm sorry I'm not up for making up cruel lies about people we've never even spoken to!" I yelled fed up with their lies. "Kimmy has every STD known to man coz she's been with all of them." I mocked them in a spoiled prep voice.

"Ally it's almost been a month get over it." Kira said flipping her perfectly curled, black hair off her shoulder.

"Yeah you've changed a lot Ally. Look at how you're dressed, that's so not you." Brooke added as the girls nodded in agreement.

"How would you know" I mumbled not loud enough for them to hear.

"Really Ally this depression has got to go it's taking away from my good vibes. You've changed so much you're starting to not fit in anymore Allyson" Cassidy stated.

Are these really my friends? Is this really how I thought I needed to pretend to be? I really let myself turn into this? All these questions ran through my mind as I grabbed my bag feeling tears beating at my eyes, they pointed out to everyone that I changed, they practically told me I wasn't good enough. I knew it was true, I killed my own damn sister, obviously I wasn't good enough for friends, but to hear others say it hurts.

"Sorry." I managed to whisper before walking out of the cafeteria feeling the whole school watch me.

I thought for a while to go back in there and pretend to be happy and fake again, but the pain I felt wouldn't let me. In all honesty I didn't think the change was that bad, my new cloths are more me, and a lot cuter. They're more "I'm a normal teenager" and less "I'm a snobby bitch.". But the four of us was the real life mean girls, and I just didn't wear pink Wednesday. To bring up my depression made me realize how horrible they are, I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I've only scratched three times since her death, (the day of the funeral, the day I finally broke down and threw out all my fake Ally belongings, and the day I realized my family's relationship was good as dead as well.) but something in my mind told me today would be the fourth.

I was walking through the halls trying to clear my head, letting the tears I'd been holding in all day slowly stream out. I was going to the abandoned hallway, it only had a janitors closet and the library on it, I knew that's where I could do my dead and not worry about someone seeing. Right when I turned the corner expected to see a ghost town I seen a couple making out against the wall.

"Da-Dallas?" I asked the brunette boy snogging my co-captain against the white wall. At the sound of my voice they jumped apart. Kimmy showed signs of being ashamed as she looked at the floor with guilt obvious on her face. Dallas on the other hand smiled at me.

"Ally-bear, hey babe." he said kissing my cheek.

"Are you really going to pretend that didn't just happen?" Why am I even asking this, of course he is, he always does.

"Ally come on you haven't let me even touch you in three weeks, you've changed. She was just a little stress reliever it meant nothing I swear." He said like it was no big deal, that it was even my fault, that he yet again cheated on me.

"I'll talk to you latter Dallas/" I said coldly before leaving him to probably sleep with Kimmy, just like every other time I've caught them.

Once I was out of sight I broke into a run. I ran all the way to my luckily empty house. I bursted into my room and fell onto my bed. I held my knees to my chest and cried like a baby. No this was not over catching my sad excuse of a boyfriend cheating on me, it was expected. This was all the thoughts of today, of Laura, of how much I hate who I was and don't know who I am. All the thoughts were rushing into my head at once, and I couldn't think. There was a huge pressure in my head but nothing compared to the unbearable pain in my chest.

The last thing I remember was running to my bathroom as everything went black. I finally came to and almost fainted at the sight before me. I held in my shaking right hand a silver, blood stained blade. I dropped it like it had just caught fire in my hand as I looked down to my left arm. Well saying I looked at the arm would be a lie, I looked at the blood covering my pale skin. Normally the sight would make me sick, and I would have hurried to stop the bleeding, but I couldn't help but notice I liked how it felt. It subsided the pain, it cleared my head, it was actually making me, for the moment, feel alive again. I sat there for a moment, laying my head against my cold bathtub, enjoying the moment of relieve. Eventually I got up and washing the arm off in my sink. The water stung the fresh, straight lines going down my forearm. I was mesmerized by how the clear, pure water turned a violent red before washing away never to be seen again. After finishing washing off my work I noticed that there was only five cuts, five caused so much relief. Five caused enough blood to hypnotize me, to make me feel alive again. I touched the already healing wounds and slightly smiled a sad smile. I felt human and I loved it. I wrapped the arm in a white bandage from the first aid kit and curled up in bed.

That was the first night in 3 weeks I didn't cry myself to sleep. I concentrated on the arm and the white bandage with tiny red dots that formed as I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

**Ahh you won't even belief how this year has gone for me. I feel horrible for not updating in so long, but every single time I went to write something else would come up. I honestly feel like in the past 6 weeks I've lived 3 years. Anyways excuses excuses, I promise to try to do better :/ please review (: **


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